So today we’re talking about snooping and I’m doing a combo move. A video rant about how very much I wish women would stop doing this shit. And the rules of engagement for those of us you who insist on continuing to do it. Ah snooping. The bane of the existence of line-stepping men and the MO for women who are determined to find out what they think they need to know. It seems that as technology continues to take over our lives and there are more and more electronic records of the dirt we do, the uptake on snooping is increasing at an alarming rate. People – and by people I mainly mean women – seem to feel that just because there is information out there, they have the right to access it; even if they have to violate the privacy of the man they claim to care about to get it. There are a lot of people (and by people I mean women) who believe that snooping is a normal and acceptable way of safeguarding yourself against hurtful surprises. There are even some people (and by people I mean women) who believe that being in a committed relationship means that you have forfeited your right to privacy and given your partner a license to look through your shit. The world’s gone mad I tell you. In the interest of shameless self-disclosure let me admit right now that although I hate snooping, I have done it in the past. I doubt I’d do it in the future, but that’s only because I don’t see myself being in a position where I feel a need to do it. But although I have done it in the past, I didn’t do it in the stupid way that most people (i.e. women) do. And I wish I could use this blog to get people (women) to see the error of their ways and stop snooping altogether; I am but one woman and there’s only so much change I can effect on my own. So instead let me share with you the rules of snooping properly if you just insist on doing it.

Snooping and finding evidence of wrongdoing seems to give people a weird kind of selective amnesia that makes them forget that they have violated their partner’s privacy. So they don’t bother covering their trail to ensure that they don’t get caught. But any man worth his salt can turn that situation to his advantage by going on the offensive and if he catches you snooping he will rip you a new one before you even have a chance to confront him with what you found. So if you’re going to snoop, don’t get caught. Make sure he’s out of the house and not coming back any time soon. Make sure you have a story prepared in case he walks in and catches you clicking all up in his Recycle Bin. Make sure you leave things exactly how you found them. If his iphone Phone screen was on Contacts and you switched it to Recents, make sure you switch it back or he will know you were in there. A man who is up to something pays close attention to the details; make sure you do too.

Like I said in the video, the purpose of snooping is to confirm what you already suspect, it’s not to gain new information.You basically should be looking for something specific to help you decide how to proceed rather than just surveying his private stuff to see what’s up. So if you think your man is pumping more than iron at the gym and you decide to look through his gym bag and find panties, all you should be doing is saying to yourself “okay he’s definitely up to something, now what am I gonna do?”. 3. The fruit of the poisonous tree. Like I said in the video, evidence obtained through an illegal search is inadmissible. And while I accidentally credited Dr. J for this concept in the video rather than the Fourth Amendment, it was he who really put me on to the concept that what you find through snooping really cannot be brought up in an argument, unless you were given an snooping pass. Which leads me to my next point…

I know that when we’re in love’s first flush we like to expose our pale underbellies to our partners. We like to put it all out there and trust that they will love every part of us. We love our new love so much that we voluntarily divulge passwords and say things like “I have nothing to hide, you can look through my phone any time you want”. By the time the thrill is gone and you’ve started having DM sex with model wannabes, you’ve long forgotten that you gave out your password. Then you’re completely caught off-guard when you walk in the house and your girl wants to know who the fuck @sexxxxy_gurl123 is and why you told her you were gonna eat her ass. Just because you have nothing to hide today, doesn’t mean you won’t have anything to hide tomorrow. So don’t help the snooper by giving out snooping passes. 6. Don’t enable a snooper. If you should happen to be on the receiving end of one of those psycho girl calls where a stranger says to you “I’m so-and-so’s girlfriend, how do you know him?” do NOT answer the question. You’re rewarding the psycho’s bad behaviour by giving her what she wants – ammunition. Your response is “if you have something to ask so-and-so please contact him directly. I don’t know you” and bam down the phone in the bitch’s ear. Do not attempt to reason with her, do not attempt to reassure her, and do not start recklessly giving out information about so-and-so. It’s bad karma. Refuse to answer the question and hang up the phone. Period. Full stop. Story done. So that’s it. My rant about snooping and my rules for proper snooping. What do you guys think? Are you a snooper? Ever been snooped on? How did you handle it? Speak on it in the comments.